I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
