Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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