my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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