I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize