All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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