im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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