Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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