If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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