true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
