It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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