How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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