my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
