I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize