I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
