I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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