She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
