I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
