Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
