your parents love me but you hate me
What did we do last night that was yellow?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
