You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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