some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
