I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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