Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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