Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
