she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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