I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
