Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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