i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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