so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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