I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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