I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
