i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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