Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
