I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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