I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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