I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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