i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
