3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I love having hate sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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