No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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