I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
