I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
