Swine flu is the new snow day.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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