I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
