Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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