these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
