Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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