I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
