I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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