thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
