This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
