The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
last night I used snow as a chaser
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
