I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
