Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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