It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
