I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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