I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
