i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
