You smell like stripper and shame
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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