Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
