I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
