i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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