There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
